Closing the Box

Iron Man Dwarf, Sahuagin, and a Bag of Dicks
Session 10

The individual waiting at Trolanport when we got off the airship was a half-orc who Rupert didn’t trust a bit to begin with. Meteors began to fall from the sky and the half-orc seemed likely to bolt, so Rupert told Doru/Durriken to grab him. Turns out the half-orc was a changeling in disguise.

More meteorites hit the airship port, and out onto the dock we were standing on charges four dwarves wearing copper rings on each of their fingers. On a different dock significantly higher than us but off of a different airship port appeared Vag as Iron Man and two spiky golems of spiky spikiness. Our airship was parked facing this other airship port. This is important later. Fortunately Vag and the spikesters were far enough away that they didn’t seem to be much of a threat initially. Vag shouted something in dwarf and only Durriken seemed to understand it.

Lorelei snuck out to the bow of the airship and threw a zombie shaped object onto the dock where Vag and the spikesters were, while the rest of us try to take out the bad guys on our dock. The zombies ultimately manage to knock the spikesters off the dock, where they hang just by their own arm strength.

One of the copper-ringed dwarves clearly failed out of fight school and threw his brass knuckles at Doru’s head. He died soon after, probably from an overdose of stupid pills.

Zikali then breaks a vial and one of the spiky golems is teleported from hanging off the side of the other dock, to our dock where he is immediately engaged by Durriken. (Still so sorry guys…)

Things don’t look too good for a few moments, until both Doru and Durriken clearly have had enough. Durriken smashes the remaining three copper-ringed dwarf assholes in one great cleave, and Doru slices the spiky golem in half vertically.

Lorelei had instructed the crew to ram our airship into the dock that Vag and the remaining spiky golem stood on, and the airship did just that, “killing” the spiky golem, Vag, and the remaining zombies.

Did I mention this entire time that meteorites are falling and hitting the airship ports? They were. We decide to amscray. Unfortunately there is only one feather-fall parachute/life raft thing left in the airship, that will hold up to 4 people. Zikali insists she can fly, but no one believes her. Even after she says she’s done it before. The party tries to think of an alternate solution for getting down and Zikali, certain of her abilities, jumps off the side of the dock.

The party lands in an alley and soon after Zikali crash-lands nearby. She points out that she said she could fly, but never mentioned her landing skills.

Immediately after, a familiar looking half-orc greets us. Lorelei gets rather gropey on his arm to figure out if he’s a changeling or not. He’s not, but he is a little confused by her.

He introduces himself as Yatubash, a “friend of a friend” and takes us into the basement of a butcher shop where he gives us our choice of many, many shinies. He also has a present for Zikali: a jar of frogs and a letter from the shaman who raised the frogs for her.

As Zikali reads the letter, she becomes more and more horrified, ultimately digging in her pack frantically for a bag. She explains to the party that unfortunately due to shamanistic hijinks, she accidentally kidnapped the mojo and virility of the entire tribe’s male population. Since then, she has carried around a bag of spectral dicks. She tries to show it to the entire party, but since their spirits are not in tune with the greater spirit world, they cannot see the dicks in the bag. Zikali makes Yatubash promise that he will ensure that the bag of dicks is delivered back to the shaman of the tribe as swiftly as possible.

We get on a ship headed to Kapaerian Island. On the way, we stop in Shargon’s Teeth to and bring on an Aerenal elf who is a negotiator for the Sahuagin with many fish themed tattoos. He ensures safe passage for us through Shargon’s Teeth. We stop in Stormreach as well and bid farewell to the bag of dicks.

Upon nearing Kapaerian Island, a small group of Sahuagin met us on the boat. After a few rough starts with communicating, we discover that Durriken apparently speaks Sahuagin (and our Sahuagin negotiator, the Aerenal elf, doesn’t). The elf tries to translate their conversation for us but we end up telling him to shut up because none of it is making sense.

According to Durriken, we need to fetch pearls so that we purify ourselves before we meet with the priests of the Devourer at the temple.

Notable quotes:
“Did you feed the dog?”
“Bag of holding of Goblin babies”
“I can read. Probably.”
“We’ve got to get this bag of dicks back to their rightful owners, man.”
“Maybe this is why you keep stealing penises and teleporting kill golems.”

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Good news and -- no, it's all bad news
Session 9

Rupert informed us that according to Lorelei’s file she would most likely be found at her father’s estate, so after escaping Dvageon L’Ortheyon‘s manor we made our way there. On the way, Zikali informs the group that Dave has decided to remain with the group and is now inhabiting one of Zikali’s many fetishes, a red cup with hollow white balls inside that rattles when shook.

We arrived at the ir’Marasha residence just in time for breakfast. Lorelei had been kind enough to request that the cooks make additional breakfast for the party and upon arriving we dined on delicious waffles. Including Zikali whose gut bucket was soon filled with syrupy goodness as we discussed the bowel and gut practices of warforged. No one seemed put off their meal by the discussion.

We decided to flee from Vag the dwarf and go to the ir’Marasha summer home in the Eldeen Reaches in their private airship. One night during our flight the dragon that originally spoke to us in Xen’drik called again and everyone but Zikali met it on the deck of the ship.

The dragon (who I am now being told is named Wanderzenk) said that now that we had the Eye, the draconic prophecy clearly indicated that the dwarf would catch up to us and destroy us in his quest for vengeance. The only way to avoid this tragedy is to destroy the Eye in a location that the dragon does not know, but fortunately he knows a guy who knows. The dragon’s buddy, another dragon, will happily give us a map that will lead us to the place where the Eye can be destroyed. This new dragon lives north of the Gloaming in the Eldeen Reaches, where the fae and crazy druids tend to congregate. Because things can’t just be simple.

We stop by the ir’Marasha summer residence to get silver to ward off fae, and eventually arrive at the large, turgid, gloriously girthy Treeness, below which is a brambly maze.

We enter and explore the maze, happening upon three Ashbound druids (including Treezus) and two dire bears are chilling out. Treezus, being a jerk, calls in a giant weasel, giant frog, and a wolf when it becomes apparent that we are not interested in dying peacefully. Ultimately we set fire to Treezus and kill one of his Treesciples, although a second Treesciple escapes into the bramble.

Just down the path we discover a giant purple mushroom and a lot of other mushrooms. They are polite enough to speak to the “meat stalks” before simply attacking, and articulate their desire to eat meat stalks to grow big and strong. We bring them the bodies of Treezus, the Treesciple, and some of the animals.

In the meantime Lorelei absconds from the group to go speak to a lady we noticed earlier in the maze but did not approach. She negotiates passage for herself but not the rest of us into the interior of the maze, then returns to us by the myconids. We negotiate to leave Rupert with her to tell her stories while we speak to the dragon. She is pleased by this.

The dragon is an 8-year-old blond girl with a super deep voice who gives us a small device and instructs us to use it in the morning. Meeting this dragon was rather anticlimactic.

We return to the maze to find that Rupert has fallen asleep. This is bad. We don’t know how bad yet, but it’s definitely bad.

We leave and head north but discover the next morning when Lorelei gazes into the device that we are headed the wrong direction. Lorelei describes seeing an isolated reef, deep underwater, where there’s an aquatic city populated by several Sahuagin tribes. Within the city there is a sacred temple around which a continual under-water hurricane storms eternal.

So we head south after deciding to go to the city of Wroat because Zikali assures the group she is good friends with House Tharashk and can convince them to find the location of the underwater temple for us.

In Wroat, the individuals at the House Tharashk outpost did indeed know Zikali and were most accommodating, offering to not only provide their services free of charge but recommending and then paying for our lodgings at an inn on the other side of town. What kind souls. Zikali was a little disappointed that the messenger in the morning who delivered a map didn’t stick around to chat.

We leave from Wroat and head to Trolanport in Zilargo. Disembarking from the airship, we find someone waiting for us.

Notable Quotes:
Dave hath retold the elegant lay of one elf maid’s struggle with foreign fauna. -“Anacondiel” by the great Nic’iminaj

“Eh, it looked bigger in the picture.”
“Stop tree-shaming guys! It’s not like yours looks any better!”

“That Treeness is much more impressive up close.”
“Oh! It’s an uncut treeness!”

“Sharks fall, everybody dies.”

“I have waffles in my gut bucket.”

“So we put it in her gut bucket and kick her into the lightning.”

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Into Vag's Treasure Room
Session 8

The crystal-encrusted golems were, in fact, not interested in a rousing game of poker.

We smashed them to the ground. Multiple times. They had an annoying ability to reactivate each other, so we had to take them out near simultaneously. Smashing their large crystal clusters seemed to help. Somewhere in the middle of this Zikali threw down a vial of magic juju and promptly grew spiky red hair.

When they were finally dead deactivated? we moved into the rest of the basement. What did we see? Wondrous things. There were magical items of all sorts of shapes and sizes, mostly sitting on pedestals in the middle of the room like a large, incredibly unsecured museum gallery (I mean really, people lean on everything and Vag’s got pedestals in the middle of the room with no ropes around them? C’mon). One of the relics was a single smudged bloodstain, because that’s not disturbing.

Looking around, we find the Eye of Oefonxalia and we ninja it away. Well, sorta. As we are leaving, D’Vageon himself comes roaring into the room in an Ironman suit. There is a moment where we all stare at each other, then Lorelei grabs the Eye, touches the pendant around her neck, and vanishes. None of us know where she’s gone.

The rest of us take advantage of the fact that Vagman is not extremely mobile and dart around him. We escape into the night under the full Dolurrh moon.

Notable Quotes

“This guy has some crystals worth whacking, right?

“A robot super saiyan that dipped their hair in koolaid.”
“Yeah, only less chunky, more porcupine.”

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Spirits and Shenanigans
Session 6-7

After we kill off the cultists in the basement, we hear voices outside. Lorelei hides, and the rest of us waver indecisively between hiding and charging out, but eventually charge out, Durriken in the lead. He gets in one hit before Lorelei (now looking exactly like the lead cultist with the creepy throwing soul blade) emerges from the chest and shouts up orders for the cultists to stop attacking.

Baffled, we follow her lead. She puts on the robe of the cultist and marches up the stairs, orders them to stand down, and we get in a skycoach to get us the hell away from the cultists before they figure things out. Lorelei hides the cultist’s robes in the skycoach and we split up to do different things in the city.

When we meet up, Rupert has some unfortunate news for us. Lorelei appears to have forgotten everything that happened this last time we visited Xen’drik together. She’s missing the marvelous memories of Mr Phallus, as well as those of the wonderful witch doctor who promised Zikali some frogs, and David the Gnome. Fuck David the Gnome.

Well, uneasily she agrees to continue accompanying us, and the party focuses on its objective: to find Dvageon the dwarf and the Eye.

We find out where the dwarf is staying fairly easily, and Lorelei’s connections get us invited to stay at a nearby manor while we plot. As it turns out, the dwarf bought the manor recently and fired the old servants. We hire a PI to find the previous butler to get us information.

(Session 7)
Durriken fortunately remembers the layout of the manor from his visits there while in Vag’s employ and describes it to us. We spend some time plotting and planning exactly how to go about infiltrating the building and settle on scare tactics to vacate the premises to lower our chances of getting caught by servants or other hirelings.

Zikali goes down to Lower Sharn to try to summon spirits to aid her in haunting the dwarf’s manor, while Lorelei fashions timed doodads that make loud noises, bangs, whistles, soft whispering sounds, etc that she plants in Lord Watt’s manor (where we are staying). Dave the Spirit goes happily to haunt the dwarf’s place, and the doodads go off and severely freak Lord Watt’s servants out—not helped by Zikali insisting there is a spirit infestation. Ultimately Zikali cleanses the house in a long ritual including violent spirit wrestling and the Gbahali snapping at spirits in the air.

In the meantime, the PI reports that he’s found the previous butler, serving elsewhere in town. Lorelei and Durriken go to interview the man, under the pretext of Rupert interviewing the child of the homeowner for a potential scholarship. The kid is dumb as a box of rocks but the butler has tons of information. Most importantly, that what we seek is likely in the basement, which is magically guarded and is opened likely by jewelry the dwarf wears (pendant and way too many tacky silver rings).

Zikali and Doru stay near Lord Watt’s manor, fueling rumors about a local spirit infestation by wandering about and holding conversations with spirits (whether they’re there or not).
The group plants rumors about a huge violent spirit uprising that will take place on the night of the full Dolorggh moon, which coincidentally is imminent. Servants in the dwarf’s household are warned to stay elsewhere that night, and to leave the windows in the chapel and library open so that the spirits can escape.

Conveniently that night we sneak into the chapel window and meet back up with Dave, who is less useful with the pull of the moon but still agrees to stick with us. The door between the library and the chapel grows a mouth and says “you’re not supposed to be here.” We freak out, exit the chapel, and climb in the library window instead.

Down the stairs in the library there are some lovely tapestries and two crystal-encrusted golems.

It’s possible all they want is a good game of poker, but perhaps we shouldn’t hold our breath.

Notable Quotes
“Hot clanky sex… Clang, clang, clang”
“Anything can be a sex organ if you think about it sexily enough.”
“Out of control droll troll patrol.”
“Have you heard the good news about Blastingel the door fucker?”

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Giant Observatory, part 2
Session 5

After laying the undead to rest in their sarcophagi, we continued exploring the crypt. After a room with a bed of everburning coals we entered a room with a narrow hallway at the end of which was a room of stinky undead in a pit. Lorelei poisons the shit out of the mooks, who puke violently on each other. One pukes up an unidentified limb and Zikali calls dibs on it.

Deeper in the crypt Rupert finds a hidden chamber with chests and an altar with clear signs that this is the personal wealth of a now deceased giant. Zikali contacts the dead giant and establishes that the giant would prefer that we did not take his gold but that he can’t really stop us. When asked if there was anything we could do for the spirit, he requested we bring him back to life so he could “kill all those damned elf slaves.” When denied this, he instructed Zikali to “die burning in the pits of Khyber.” We stole his stuff after setting off a pretty weaksauce fireball trap. Apparently methane is diluted after several tens of thousands of years.

Pretty soon after this we noped out of a room with some pretty stout mummy guys. Then we found the dragon, permanently contained via magic in a room in that crypt. He explained to us that we fit the draconic prophecy wanted posters and that we would be instrumental in reversing the mistake that the giants made a long time ago, and in the process lift the curse on both the giants and Xen’drik.

Basically, the meteors and pebbles falling from the sky are parts of Siberys, the sky dragon of amazingness. These pieces of dragon will eventually fall on an island with artifacts, causing a cataclysm and destroying these artifacts, which are what keeps the curse going. However, other parties have also figured out that this is what is happening and wish to stop the draconic prophecy from coming true. A different dragon believes that instead of having learned their lesson, the giants will come back and re-enslave the drow and generally be assholes.

The ritual to stop the pieces of sky dragon from destroying the curse centers around a single object (the Shard of Paraeth) which is held by a dwarf named Dvageon L’Ortheyon who just happens to be the dwarf who hired Durriken to come fetch the Eye of Oefonxalia. The dragon does not like this guy. The dragon also informed us that the Eye was held in his personal treasure hoard and promised that it was completely safe.

The dragon offered to port us to Sharn, where Dvageon and the Shard are both supposed to be. After some deliberation, we took him up on it, and wavered into existence just in time to watch a drug deal (?) not go down. Men from the city police including a guy with red hair and a distinctive scar, possibly named Maegar, told some sketchy looking guys that the deal was off and left before they saw us. We were attacked by the sketchy guys. After dispatching their sketchy faces, we hear shouting outside, something about “They’re down here”…

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At the Giant Observation Station
Session 4

As we closed last time, a shadow covered the sun. To open, building-sized meteorites start hitting the ground far enough away that we aren’t too freaked out, and a second shadow also appears in the sky. Whatever could it mean!

The four of us crest a hill and see before us in a valley several giant buildings peeking out of the jungle. Rupert salivates and we begin to descend into the valley.

Partway down a half-elf male is running toward us as if his life depended on it, and following him are a group of people wearing khakis and pith helmets, wielding several tools that apparently archaeologists on Xen’drik use. New Guy tells us they used to be his friends but they’re “possessed or something.” Rather than turning and running like pansies, we take them out. Including David the Gnome. Fuck David the Gnome.

New Guy introduces himself. He is Durriken and he tells us he came to those giant ruins to find the Eye of Oefonxalia, which is apparently a large ruby that controls the weather. Rupert is chomping at the bit to get into the ruins and Durriken offers to hire us to help him fetch the Eye rather than the back alley archaeologists that he came here with (who we summarily destroyed). Since we’re headed in the same direction, we agree to cooperate.

We reach the wall and Durriken says he thinks his companions were possessed or cursed after ignoring the warnings of guardian spirits at the gates and tried to cross the walls without permission. Zikali is disturbed by such blatant disregard for the spirits. We go to the gates to see what the spirits have to say, where Zikali reverently flatters them. It is determined that they are “gigantic giant spirity spirits.”

The spirits inform us that we must “pay the price” in blood before we can enter. With a combination of Zikali’s knowledge of spirits and Rupert and Lorelei’s educational background it is determined that the binding is an ancient ritual in which a giant Lord ties a visitor to himself with magical bonds. These bonds give the giant Lord the ability to view through the visitor’s eyes, and can even possibly allow the Lord to kill us if we act like shits. After deliberation, we each bled on the walls a little and were permitted to enter the gates. As we each entered, the spirits said “You have the Mark of the ___”

Rupert: Mark of the Boar
Durriken: Mark of the Hand
Zikali: Mark of the Raven
Doru: Mark of the Raptor
Lorelei: Mark of the Rat

We entered the giant ruins as pebbles rained down on us. Again. We set up camp in what appeared to be barracks. The ruins were surprisingly well-kept, including having a fire in the hearth. Everyone but Zikali (who volunteered to stay on watch) went to sleep.

Everyone woke up, but Zikali was missing. In addition, giants came into the room, sat down at a table in the room in which we’d settled, and started to play a game. They did not respond to the presence of anyone. Outside the barracks was a mystical magical spirit dragon who told the group (minus Zikali) that it had been waiting for us and that we should go find it beneath the temple for a good heart to heart chat. Then everyone actually woke up for realsies this time. Because fucking dream sequences.

The group told Zikali what she’d missed, and were promptly informed in turn of the great honor that had been bestowed upon them by the ancestor spirits.

Given that we were all awake in the real world now, we decided to go explore the temple and use many bags of the pebbles that keep falling on our heads to check for traps. In the temple we found out that our “Marks” appeared to correspond to particular gods whose areas of expertise or other impressions are as follows:

Boar= plant roots
Hand= guardian/Templar/police priest
Raven=storm/volcano
Raptor=warrior
Rat=brewer

Lorelei picked the lock to the catacombs (while Zikali searched for a key under the doormat) and we go down into the catacombs where, shockingly, we are attacked by ghosty creatures including one Ghosty McGhost.

Non-corporeal face smashing follows. Lorelei ripped out a mook’s skeleton and it helped us fight, which was probably slightly traumatizing to everyone involved if any of us stopped to think about it.

At the end of the session we were still in the catacombs, after putting the bodies of our defeated foes in their original resting places.

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Into Xen'drik
Session 3

We were woken in Stormreach by an old friend of Doru’s. Doru refuses to tell us what sort of friends they were, but we finally found out that his name was Magnus Fallus which seems indicative. We are uncertain of Magnus’s relationship with squirrels as well. Magnus apparently owed Doru some favors and offered us a significant (600gp) quantity of gold, supplies, and a spot in a caravan that was leaving soon for Last Chance. Trusting Doru to tell us if this “friend” was suspicious, we took the caravan and arrived in Last Chance without issue.

Magnus found an inn for us in Last Chance, and bid his farewells. We are unsure as to his involvement in what followed.

The jackass innkeeper was apparently paid to vacate the premises while we enjoyed a meal. Several Cultists entered the establishment, and we were forced to defend our lives and our alcohol from behind the bar. Thanks to Lorelei’s amazing magical snowglobe, there was much face smashing. Lorelei plans to make her fortune by inventing Khyberware.

We found a note on one of the Cultists’ bodies that said:

_"Tokotoba,

I git-thur dana tooboo yad winga tokka sleebu. Tooboo dees nur nur theme labadada choo. Ack thata al thur thur! Blesso don mang mang wong. Derk derb nert nert vedoo. Hoobada booba the the DEEEEDOOOOOOO!

-Blacka"_

(Rupert translated it. Lorelei helped.)

_"Drom,

The heathens approach the Inn. I have bribed the innkeeper with his weak mind and sick greed. At the 9th candle-mark the Inn will be empty except for the heathens. The heathens may not continue lest they contact The Seer. If they do, they may stop the Rock-of-Sun! They cannot do that! Long live the Dark-Rock-Sunn!

-Boris"_

We left Last Chance on foot, walked to Titan’s Teeth. Fortunately for us, despite the fact that the Titan’s Teeth is a sheer cliff face, there was a staircase carved into it. Unfortunately for us it was like 10,000+ steps tall.

Rupert had problems immediately. Zikali, a freaking warforged, had issues on the last part. We made it to the peak by sundown.

At the peak we saw a Frost Giant encampment, successfully snuck around them but were ambushed by zombies, spirits, and a zombie giant. An exceedingly fortunate Turn Undead obliterated the zombies, but Zikali was on the ground before the end of the fight. Lorelei’s kazoo and Doru’s everything smashed a ton of bad guy.

After this, we traveled down the western branch of the Hydra until we reached a drow village. Rupert was supposedly friendly with them but they seemed inclined to shoot/stab our faces off.

Successful quick-talking convinced them to let us tell our story, and Rupert began the epic tale in which he saved the daughter of the previous drow leader. Zikali provided a convincingly moving interpretive dance. The drow were impressed.

We were allowed to rest and provision ourselves. Zikali met with the local witch doctor and arranged to adopt a number of tadpoles. He also shook the hands of all 22 adult males in the tribe.

The drow tribe provided us with a boat and guides to take us down the Hydra. They took us to the edge of their own territory, then let us continue on our own in one of their boats.

We came to a downed tree in the middle of the river, and were subsequently attacked by a family unit of Arkansas ogres. Brother and sister ogre had been very busy, and tried to sic their 10 mentally deficient children on us. Lorelei went zombie on us by biting into a crafted brain. Rupert’s health played a very convincing yoyo.

And then a shadow covered the sun. Dun dun dun.

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Welcome to your campaign!
A blog for your campaign

Wondering how to get started? Here are a few tips:

1. Invite your players

Invite them with either their email address or their Obsidian Portal username.

2. Edit your home page

Make a few changes to the home page and give people an idea of what your campaign is about. That will let people know you’re serious and not just playing with the system.

3. Choose a theme

If you want to set a specific mood for your campaign, we have several backgrounds to choose from. Accentuate it by creating a top banner image.

4. Create some NPCs

Characters form the core of every campaign, so take a few minutes to list out the major NPCs in your campaign.

A quick tip: The “+” icon in the top right of every section is how to add a new item, whether it’s a new character or adventure log post, or anything else.

5. Write your first Adventure Log post

The adventure log is where you list the sessions and adventures your party has been on, but for now, we suggest doing a very light “story so far” post. Just give a brief overview of what the party has done up to this point. After each future session, create a new post detailing that night’s adventures.

One final tip: Don’t stress about making your Obsidian Portal campaign look perfect. Instead, just make it work for you and your group. If everyone is having fun, then you’re using Obsidian Portal exactly as it was designed, even if your adventure log isn’t always up to date or your characters don’t all have portrait pictures.

That’s it! The rest is up to your and your players.

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